when to have baby no. 2?

Najmi and I have been contemplating for weeks about having baby no. 2, and Maya already started asking for a baby brother/sister. She is a big girl now and most of the time is independent playing by herself. Sometimes it makes me sad to see her play alone to the point of boredom.. she will circle the room and the not so good thing is, she becomes more clingy to us because there's nobody else to entertain her. To be honest I also kind of miss having a little infant around.. seeing them coo, smile and just being a baby is happiness (minus the crying, staying up late and the extended breastfeeding, of course. Ugh. My love-hate relationship with breastfeeding). Najmi also wanted a big family and would love to have another one soon, but to be blunt we don't think we are ready at this point. Our financial status is not strong yet, and I am still juggling a PhD. Having another baby would mean more expenses and even more stress at work and home, but.. there's a lot of buts! We just wanted to expand while we are still young.. I plan to stop having kids by age 33-35 and seeing that I wanted 3 kids (Najmi wants 5, hooray -_-) I hope I can start soon!

I guess I'll just listen to my gut feeling.. maybe I'll get to see another baby in a year or two from now, inshaAllah. May Allah ease this journey. In the meantime, I'll keep reading those articles of "When to have another baby" and coax myself into it. Hehe.

Those having baby no. 2, what makes you want to go for it?

How to stay motivated while doing a PhD and juggling motherhood; my POV

I started my first semester as a PhD student on February of 2013. Maya was about 6 months old then. Now three semesters have passed and she is two already! Honestly I am surprised at how much time has passed when you are juggling a toddler and a PhD degree. Some Masters student have asked me if it is possible to have a child while doing a PhD? Is it worth it? Is it difficult? My answer would be that it would be very, very difficult. You can't stay late in the lab anymore because you need to pick up your child in the evening. You have to manage time very, very wisely. Your progress will be somewhat a little slow as compared to other people who can stay late and who can continue writing/reading journals at home (although this can't be true.. progress is different because different people have different skills.. if you are already skillful in doing labwork that's a bonus). Sometimes you have to go to the lab during the weekend and miss spending time with your child. The one question I kept having in my mind is, am I being a good enough mother? Is PhD worth missing my daughter? If you don't have the courage or passion big enough for research, don't do it (having child while doing PhD, or, doing a PhD at all!). But if you do, trust me, it is worth it. More than anything, my daughter is one of the topmost things that keeps me motivated.

PhD is hard. It is not something you expect to be done in 3-4 years time (of course some people had done it). You had a plan, but eventually some of the plans will not go according to what you intend them to be. By three semesters, I've had it all. I became so demotivated by the lack of positive results as well as supervising that I started to play hooky. I came to the lab but I would be doing something that is mostly not research related (spending time on the internet, etc etc.). Until one day I just realized how selfish I have been. I left my daughter in the care of a stranger and here I am not doing anything productive and basically just slacking off being a student and a mother. So I wrote a goal and set my mind on this one simple thing;

GIVE YOUR 100% FOCUS AT WORK AND 100% FOCUS ON YOUR FAMILY WHEN YOU ARE HOME.

I did exactly that and so much positive things have happened since then. I am happier, I'm getting a lot of positive feedbacks in my research, and most importantly, I know I won't regret leaving my daughter in the care of someone else.

3,4 (or 5, 6, oh God) semesters to go! I'd say Good Luck to those people like me!

Entering Week 2 of weaning off..

I failed! Terribly! Hahaha

After that first few nights of crying herself to sleep, I read that to start weaning off, you have to do it gradually. Like skipping nursing time during the day, wear normal bra instead of nursing (so babies find it hard to nurse) etc. etc.. Plus, my breast hurt so much from the milk not being drained that I finally offered her the love of her life (or what she claims as "shushu shedap").

And Maya has now learned to say "please, Mama." when she asked for shushu with the most helpless (and adorable) expression that I can't say no! Even Najmi begged me to give her what she wants upon hearing that "please, Mama." Sheesh. So much for willpower.

I guessed when the right time comes, Maya will wean off on her own. And I hope that would be soon. Haih.

Weaning Off

I have been dreading to completely wean Maya off.. Breastfeeding no longer excites me now that she is bigger and more active. It becomes more of a chore to me. Plus Maya has becoming more and more clingy to me and refusing other people, cries unnecessarily and excessively so I thought it's better now than never. TIME TO CUT OFF THE BIG MAMA. I waited until after Hari Raya ends and also after she developed a bit of a fever for 4-5 nights straight. It's also after I fully recovered from my dengue fever. I kept telling Najmi that I need to get it done no matter what. The rest of the day I keep telling her that it's gonna be her last to nurse.

DAY 1, 27 July 2015
I put some vinegar on my nip by the time she asked for her shushu when she got home. I offered her my breast but told her that my breast is sick. She took a sip, then started to suckle, then stopped and looked at me. I said, shushu rosak dah, tak sedap. Shushu sakit. She asked for the other and reacted the same way.

For the rest of the day she kept asking but stopped short whenever she saw my nipple. She smelled at it, lingered at it, but seemed to hold back. Last night before she sleeps she cried and ended up sleeping on Najmi's shoulder. At 4 in the morning, she woked me up and asked for my shushu, but only to kiss it and hold it and cried.

I am crushed.

DAY 2.

Playtime: Mixing flour and colors

This is a great activity for sensory play and for your kids to explore how things turn out and learn about colors and mixes. Remember, it's going to be really messy. But you and your child are going to have so much fun!

I listed out some of the important necessities for this activity;

1) Old T-shirt that you don't mind having stains on
2) Flour, about 1 cup and no more
3) Some water
4) Food coloring
5) Spoons and spatulas
6) Lots of containers in different sizes

You can put a mat beforehand for easy clean up, but I personally prefer just to wipe or mop the floor.

First you can put the flour in the bigger container and let your child spoon them out into other container. Start mixing the food coloring with water in separate containers and ask them to mix it with flour. Let them explore with different mixes. Don't forget to say out loud the color they are mixing at the moment. You will realize how focus they are while doing it; well, they are absorbing everything, which is certainly fun to watch ;)

Maya played for about half an hour and when she started dripping the mixture on her legs, I stopped her and said it's time for clean up. Sure, you can let them go on and have more fun exploring, but I would like to stress on setting limits to your child. They need to learn what can and what cannot be done at this stage. Naturally, she agreed and said "Nak ashuh tangan."

Some of the pictures that I manage to take;

Hello hello hello

It's been such a long time since I posted out anything. Phew! Busy life, busy life..

A lot of things happened in the past, well, 9 months? And I hope I get the time to write it all out. Wish me luck.. Basically here's what happened so far;

1) Maya's Aqiqah
2) We moved to a new house!
3) Maya went to the nursery
4) Our lives with a super active toddler

And also, some of the trips we made so far;

1) Umrah to Makkah and Madinah
2) Penang
3) Langkawi

Would loooove to share this with my readers as well :)

So first off, let's see.. which one to start out first? Oh yeah.. we moved to a new apartment! Officially a Bangi people, now, people. We loved it here; not too dandy, not too shabby, a super nice place for our first home together. I have been looking for a place to ourselves for a long time, and Alhamdulillah Allah made it really easy for us. Just within a month after I contacted the agent, the apartment was ready for us to move in. The owner is a middle age Malay Officer graduated from Ohio, well.. in the 80s? Isn't that a nice coincidence? The apartment is a new lot in Seksyen 5 Bandar Baru Bangi, so it really feels like a first home, not like the used, rented one. We had to drill a lot to put up shelves and water heater, etc. Plus washing the floor, wipe the dust and paint the room.. The most fun part is of course, decorating! Will share with you our little space once we are done (We are still not done! Home deco is a lifetime process, okay). We officially moved in at the end of October 2014, which was also the day Maal Hijrah was.

Well the first few weeks Maya did not take it really well the fact we have moved.. She cried and tried to run back out whenever we arrived home. Now.. she loves it. I think she loves the house even more than us, haha. It's great because we can do a lot of messy activities together without having to think of annoying other people! And boy messy is just an understatement.

The map was from the NY subway map. And that bare wall needs a little more character.

I actually microblog on Instagram a lot. But I decided to make my Instagram a bit more private (since I posted regularly), and blogging allows me more info to type out so please bear with me and stay tune with updates! :)