Tribute.

It has been 3 weeks since Momo left us. Truth is, I still can't comprehend his death, because it happened so fast. Sometimes, I found myself crying when I picture him in his favorite spot. I imagine what he would be doing at the moment. Worst, I felt the pangs of regret that I should have spent more time with him. I felt I should have cuddled him more, went out for a walk with him, told him stories about my day. It's funny how death does to you. You know it is inevitable, but still you go on about your day, thinking it's not going to happen today.

I remember that day before our trip to Sabah, the day after we found out about his condition. I went to the clinic to see him and how happy was he to see me! He called out to me, he seemed so eager to go back home. Even the staffs were surprised because he was so stressed before I arrived. But I could not bring him home that day because of the trip. I was brokenhearted, and I knew he was too. Because 3 days later when we came to bring him home, the vet told me he did not eat. The food that I left for him was untouched. When we arrived home, he gave a weak meow, and ate a little of the treat in my hands. I never seen his happy face since.

Spondylosis. The bone spurs that grow and hit his spine, making him paralyzed. I never knew it could turn out so bad. That same weekend, he seemed a bit better although he was only able to move using his front legs, with much difficulty. Maybe being home gave him a bit of hope. We were happy that day, as he seem to eat and enjoyed being with us. Najmi and I even searched for a 3D prototype for his wheel chair. We were determined that he would walk again.

Monday. I asked Najmi to put him near the sliding door so he could enjoy the view outside he once loved. But when I came back, he was still there, unmoved. I put him next to my legs, and for the first time in my life, he was clutching my legs as if he would never let go. He was having difficulty breathing. And for the first time, I thought Momo was dying. I cried and asked Najmi to come home as soon as possible. Maya saw me cried and said "Mama, jangan nangis.. it's okay. Momo okay." I cried even more. We dashed to the vet that night. He was given drips through his skin and medications. The vet said it was flu, since the steroid that he took would make his immune system go down. We went home, and let him slept in his carrier since he was drowsy after the flu shot.

The next day, he wasn't any better. In fact, his condition worsen. He could only lay on the pillow, barely moving. I had to change his position for every few hours to prevent bed sores. And everytime I did that, he would breath heavily, as if his bones were crushing his lungs. I had to empty his bladder to make sure his urine came out by squeezing it. I brought him a special food and fed him using the syringe. He became totally paralyzed. That night, I laid him beside him and cuddled him to sleep. And I knew he wasn't sleeping because his eyes were blinking and I could hear his heavy breaths. I cried, because I knew it must have been very painful for him.

Wednesday, at the office.. and I never imagine the day would come, that I googled euthanasia. All the sites I found showed me every sign.. My tears were pouring, I did not care if anybody notice. That noon, I rushed home and saw Momo lying and breathing heavily on the same spot. Shortly after, Najmi came home. I told him about the decision. He was reluctant at first. We both sat beside Momo, caressing his fur, and we knew we had to let him go. I could not stop crying. I told Pao about it, and we both cried. It all seemed like a dream. I called the vet, and made the appointment to euthanize Momo the next morning. I made a promise to myself that I would not let him go tonight without hugging him to sleep.

That evening after I came back from the lab around 6, we all huddled together with Momo lying beside us. I made some nuggets, Maya was playing and watching The Good Dinosaur next to Momo, and Najmi helped me fold the laundry. We laughed and I kept reminding them not to play too close to Momo or else they would hit him. It was such a happy moment to us. Then, right before Maghrib came, I went to feed Momo with his food. That was when he choked and started to breath heavily, as if his organs were failing him. I called out to Najmi, and when he saw that Momo is in so much pain, he told me that we had to send him to the vet tonight. I said no. I could not. I wanted to spend one more night with him. Najmi told me that it would be selfish of me to see him spend another sleepless night in pain. I looked at Momo, and I knew he was right. I put him inside his carrier.. We both hugged and cried and told each other how much we loved him and how he has made us so very happy in the past.. We both were not ready that his time would come soon. That Maghrib prayer, Najmi lead one of the most emotional prayer for us. We cried and prayed the dua. Najmi decided to bring Maya to her grandparents while we send Momo to the vet. I could not bring Momo's death in front of my child.

In the car on the way to send Maya first, I sat at the back and heaved Momo into my lap. I could feel it; he was just skins and bones. But inside he was my baby. My buddy, the one who made college life bearable. The one who waited for me everyday. Laughed with me, cried with me, and stood by me. My tears started pouring again. I patted his head, and told him everything was going to be alright. I made a call to the vet to arrange for tonight's procedure. Nearing the toll booth, I realized his eyes suddenly widen, and he stopped moving. I cried, telling Najmi that Momo might be gone. Najmi told me to feel for his breaths. I still heard some breaths, but he no longer blinked or moved. I cried and cried when we arrived at Najmi's parent's, I told him that Momo has died. Najmi took Momo from my arms and put him on top of the car trunk, and laid his head on Momo's chest to listen to any heartbeats. That was when I realized his face fell. That was the first time I saw my husband's devastated face. I knew how hurt I was at that time, but I had no idea how he felt. Up to that point, I only cared about my feelings. My husband on the other hand, was the person who, for the sake of my happiness, went to search for a perfect kitten, hand picked Momo and surprised me with that furry friend. I remember he told me he felt so sad when he had to pass Momo to me in my care after a week of living with that kitten. My husband, the person who had to go through every possible hardship to bring Momo back to Malaysia just because I asked him to. I had been selfish the whole time, and here he was crying for a lost friend. 

The next morning, we buried Momo at our backyard. I wrapped Momo in one of my clothes, and laid him down to rest. I did not shed any tear during his burial, but I had no idea that sadness would hit me hard afterwards.. Maya still thought that Momo is still at the "Dr. Brown Bear", and it crushes me. They had been so close, and she even hugged him to sleep in the bed. Whenever Momo tried to get up, she would wake up and pulled Momo back in her arms. Sometimes she asked me to see Momo, and all I could say that I also want to see Momo too, as much as she does. How do you explain death to a child?

Momo, I prayed that one day, we would be reunited again. I miss you, Najmi and Maya miss you, and everyone you once knew misses you too. You have been a huge part of our life. I will never forget you. Not now, not ever. Rest, my buddy.. and thank you for everything.