ola ola ola ay amigos

Whoa! What year is it now?

I suck at keeping up with blogging. Too many things are happening around me! Let's get around the deets a little bit before i totally forget about 2017 all over again. Okay. So.. I'm currently in writing mode, still undecided whether or not i should put-off my semester registration again (gonna be my 4th year, guys), no sign of baby no. 2 yet (boo hoo hoo), getting into managerial position whats with our new office and staffs (should make a special blogpost on this), and my daughter just turned four! I know, huru hara, right? Don't even get me started on the fact that I haven't had any stable income for the past 6 months (cray cray but i don't want to complain on this anymore). But i have a speeeeecial plan, and hence this blogpost lol.

So you see.. for the past few months i have been jostling here and there with labworks and working at Najmi's place and not having enough dough in the pocket.. and now that i have stopped with my labwork and am now writing i have been more carefree during the day so i thought you know why nottt have Maya stays at home and i can teach her to read and do maths and stuff and save more moolah instead of sending her to a kindergarten, amirite? Plus she's so smart already she just needs to pick up that Peter and Jane book so next time i can ask her to read Doraemon on her own instead me reading it to her. Also i think it's about time to actually teach her myself.. before she starts thinking im not cool (still cool, guys, and even better; she calls me pretty and adores me).

Soooooo.. how about some HOMESCHOOLING from your mama?

Tribute.

It has been 3 weeks since Momo left us. Truth is, I still can't comprehend his death, because it happened so fast. Sometimes, I found myself crying when I picture him in his favorite spot. I imagine what he would be doing at the moment. Worst, I felt the pangs of regret that I should have spent more time with him. I felt I should have cuddled him more, went out for a walk with him, told him stories about my day. It's funny how death does to you. You know it is inevitable, but still you go on about your day, thinking it's not going to happen today.

I remember that day before our trip to Sabah, the day after we found out about his condition. I went to the clinic to see him and how happy was he to see me! He called out to me, he seemed so eager to go back home. Even the staffs were surprised because he was so stressed before I arrived. But I could not bring him home that day because of the trip. I was brokenhearted, and I knew he was too. Because 3 days later when we came to bring him home, the vet told me he did not eat. The food that I left for him was untouched. When we arrived home, he gave a weak meow, and ate a little of the treat in my hands. I never seen his happy face since.

Spondylosis. The bone spurs that grow and hit his spine, making him paralyzed. I never knew it could turn out so bad. That same weekend, he seemed a bit better although he was only able to move using his front legs, with much difficulty. Maybe being home gave him a bit of hope. We were happy that day, as he seem to eat and enjoyed being with us. Najmi and I even searched for a 3D prototype for his wheel chair. We were determined that he would walk again.

Monday. I asked Najmi to put him near the sliding door so he could enjoy the view outside he once loved. But when I came back, he was still there, unmoved. I put him next to my legs, and for the first time in my life, he was clutching my legs as if he would never let go. He was having difficulty breathing. And for the first time, I thought Momo was dying. I cried and asked Najmi to come home as soon as possible. Maya saw me cried and said "Mama, jangan nangis.. it's okay. Momo okay." I cried even more. We dashed to the vet that night. He was given drips through his skin and medications. The vet said it was flu, since the steroid that he took would make his immune system go down. We went home, and let him slept in his carrier since he was drowsy after the flu shot.

The next day, he wasn't any better. In fact, his condition worsen. He could only lay on the pillow, barely moving. I had to change his position for every few hours to prevent bed sores. And everytime I did that, he would breath heavily, as if his bones were crushing his lungs. I had to empty his bladder to make sure his urine came out by squeezing it. I brought him a special food and fed him using the syringe. He became totally paralyzed. That night, I laid him beside him and cuddled him to sleep. And I knew he wasn't sleeping because his eyes were blinking and I could hear his heavy breaths. I cried, because I knew it must have been very painful for him.

Wednesday, at the office.. and I never imagine the day would come, that I googled euthanasia. All the sites I found showed me every sign.. My tears were pouring, I did not care if anybody notice. That noon, I rushed home and saw Momo lying and breathing heavily on the same spot. Shortly after, Najmi came home. I told him about the decision. He was reluctant at first. We both sat beside Momo, caressing his fur, and we knew we had to let him go. I could not stop crying. I told Pao about it, and we both cried. It all seemed like a dream. I called the vet, and made the appointment to euthanize Momo the next morning. I made a promise to myself that I would not let him go tonight without hugging him to sleep.

That evening after I came back from the lab around 6, we all huddled together with Momo lying beside us. I made some nuggets, Maya was playing and watching The Good Dinosaur next to Momo, and Najmi helped me fold the laundry. We laughed and I kept reminding them not to play too close to Momo or else they would hit him. It was such a happy moment to us. Then, right before Maghrib came, I went to feed Momo with his food. That was when he choked and started to breath heavily, as if his organs were failing him. I called out to Najmi, and when he saw that Momo is in so much pain, he told me that we had to send him to the vet tonight. I said no. I could not. I wanted to spend one more night with him. Najmi told me that it would be selfish of me to see him spend another sleepless night in pain. I looked at Momo, and I knew he was right. I put him inside his carrier.. We both hugged and cried and told each other how much we loved him and how he has made us so very happy in the past.. We both were not ready that his time would come soon. That Maghrib prayer, Najmi lead one of the most emotional prayer for us. We cried and prayed the dua. Najmi decided to bring Maya to her grandparents while we send Momo to the vet. I could not bring Momo's death in front of my child.

In the car on the way to send Maya first, I sat at the back and heaved Momo into my lap. I could feel it; he was just skins and bones. But inside he was my baby. My buddy, the one who made college life bearable. The one who waited for me everyday. Laughed with me, cried with me, and stood by me. My tears started pouring again. I patted his head, and told him everything was going to be alright. I made a call to the vet to arrange for tonight's procedure. Nearing the toll booth, I realized his eyes suddenly widen, and he stopped moving. I cried, telling Najmi that Momo might be gone. Najmi told me to feel for his breaths. I still heard some breaths, but he no longer blinked or moved. I cried and cried when we arrived at Najmi's parent's, I told him that Momo has died. Najmi took Momo from my arms and put him on top of the car trunk, and laid his head on Momo's chest to listen to any heartbeats. That was when I realized his face fell. That was the first time I saw my husband's devastated face. I knew how hurt I was at that time, but I had no idea how he felt. Up to that point, I only cared about my feelings. My husband on the other hand, was the person who, for the sake of my happiness, went to search for a perfect kitten, hand picked Momo and surprised me with that furry friend. I remember he told me he felt so sad when he had to pass Momo to me in my care after a week of living with that kitten. My husband, the person who had to go through every possible hardship to bring Momo back to Malaysia just because I asked him to. I had been selfish the whole time, and here he was crying for a lost friend. 

The next morning, we buried Momo at our backyard. I wrapped Momo in one of my clothes, and laid him down to rest. I did not shed any tear during his burial, but I had no idea that sadness would hit me hard afterwards.. Maya still thought that Momo is still at the "Dr. Brown Bear", and it crushes me. They had been so close, and she even hugged him to sleep in the bed. Whenever Momo tried to get up, she would wake up and pulled Momo back in her arms. Sometimes she asked me to see Momo, and all I could say that I also want to see Momo too, as much as she does. How do you explain death to a child?

Momo, I prayed that one day, we would be reunited again. I miss you, Najmi and Maya miss you, and everyone you once knew misses you too. You have been a huge part of our life. I will never forget you. Not now, not ever. Rest, my buddy.. and thank you for everything.

number 2 is going to get real!

Okay the title is a little misleading. We are not having baby no. 2 yet, but I just want to share how we keep it under the radar. The not being pregnant while I am still doing PhD thing, I mean. I know, I know. Most people I met told me they do it naturally. But for some people like me who had irregular periods and just simply can't calculate the days, I have to opt for other intervention. I couldn't take pills because I know I am not that discipline to pop it at the exact time everyday. I had to pass on the implant because it was way too expensive, and it only lasted for 2 years. So I am more inclined towards the IUD. It costed us RM80 for the whole thing including insertion at a local LPPKN (I had the paraGuard, which is a copper IUD) and it will last for 5 years! I had it since September 2014 and all I can say is that I love it! I had a very bad cramps for the first couple of months when I had it in, but they are just temporary. But do talk to your doctor about options. It may not be for everyone, but so far I had no problems with it. I had the IUD removed for almost 2 months now, and we are hoping for the best! Amin :)))

when to have baby no. 2?

Najmi and I have been contemplating for weeks about having baby no. 2, and Maya already started asking for a baby brother/sister. She is a big girl now and most of the time is independent playing by herself. Sometimes it makes me sad to see her play alone to the point of boredom.. she will circle the room and the not so good thing is, she becomes more clingy to us because there's nobody else to entertain her. To be honest I also kind of miss having a little infant around.. seeing them coo, smile and just being a baby is happiness (minus the crying, staying up late and the extended breastfeeding, of course. Ugh. My love-hate relationship with breastfeeding). Najmi also wanted a big family and would love to have another one soon, but to be blunt we don't think we are ready at this point. Our financial status is not strong yet, and I am still juggling a PhD. Having another baby would mean more expenses and even more stress at work and home, but.. there's a lot of buts! We just wanted to expand while we are still young.. I plan to stop having kids by age 33-35 and seeing that I wanted 3 kids (Najmi wants 5, hooray -_-) I hope I can start soon!

I guess I'll just listen to my gut feeling.. maybe I'll get to see another baby in a year or two from now, inshaAllah. May Allah ease this journey. In the meantime, I'll keep reading those articles of "When to have another baby" and coax myself into it. Hehe.

Those having baby no. 2, what makes you want to go for it?

How to stay motivated while doing a PhD and juggling motherhood; my POV

I started my first semester as a PhD student on February of 2013. Maya was about 6 months old then. Now three semesters have passed and she is two already! Honestly I am surprised at how much time has passed when you are juggling a toddler and a PhD degree. Some Masters student have asked me if it is possible to have a child while doing a PhD? Is it worth it? Is it difficult? My answer would be that it would be very, very difficult. You can't stay late in the lab anymore because you need to pick up your child in the evening. You have to manage time very, very wisely. Your progress will be somewhat a little slow as compared to other people who can stay late and who can continue writing/reading journals at home (although this can't be true.. progress is different because different people have different skills.. if you are already skillful in doing labwork that's a bonus). Sometimes you have to go to the lab during the weekend and miss spending time with your child. The one question I kept having in my mind is, am I being a good enough mother? Is PhD worth missing my daughter? If you don't have the courage or passion big enough for research, don't do it (having child while doing PhD, or, doing a PhD at all!). But if you do, trust me, it is worth it. More than anything, my daughter is one of the topmost things that keeps me motivated.

PhD is hard. It is not something you expect to be done in 3-4 years time (of course some people had done it). You had a plan, but eventually some of the plans will not go according to what you intend them to be. By three semesters, I've had it all. I became so demotivated by the lack of positive results as well as supervising that I started to play hooky. I came to the lab but I would be doing something that is mostly not research related (spending time on the internet, etc etc.). Until one day I just realized how selfish I have been. I left my daughter in the care of a stranger and here I am not doing anything productive and basically just slacking off being a student and a mother. So I wrote a goal and set my mind on this one simple thing;

GIVE YOUR 100% FOCUS AT WORK AND 100% FOCUS ON YOUR FAMILY WHEN YOU ARE HOME.

I did exactly that and so much positive things have happened since then. I am happier, I'm getting a lot of positive feedbacks in my research, and most importantly, I know I won't regret leaving my daughter in the care of someone else.

3,4 (or 5, 6, oh God) semesters to go! I'd say Good Luck to those people like me!

Entering Week 2 of weaning off..

I failed! Terribly! Hahaha

After that first few nights of crying herself to sleep, I read that to start weaning off, you have to do it gradually. Like skipping nursing time during the day, wear normal bra instead of nursing (so babies find it hard to nurse) etc. etc.. Plus, my breast hurt so much from the milk not being drained that I finally offered her the love of her life (or what she claims as "shushu shedap").

And Maya has now learned to say "please, Mama." when she asked for shushu with the most helpless (and adorable) expression that I can't say no! Even Najmi begged me to give her what she wants upon hearing that "please, Mama." Sheesh. So much for willpower.

I guessed when the right time comes, Maya will wean off on her own. And I hope that would be soon. Haih.

Weaning Off

I have been dreading to completely wean Maya off.. Breastfeeding no longer excites me now that she is bigger and more active. It becomes more of a chore to me. Plus Maya has becoming more and more clingy to me and refusing other people, cries unnecessarily and excessively so I thought it's better now than never. TIME TO CUT OFF THE BIG MAMA. I waited until after Hari Raya ends and also after she developed a bit of a fever for 4-5 nights straight. It's also after I fully recovered from my dengue fever. I kept telling Najmi that I need to get it done no matter what. The rest of the day I keep telling her that it's gonna be her last to nurse.

DAY 1, 27 July 2015
I put some vinegar on my nip by the time she asked for her shushu when she got home. I offered her my breast but told her that my breast is sick. She took a sip, then started to suckle, then stopped and looked at me. I said, shushu rosak dah, tak sedap. Shushu sakit. She asked for the other and reacted the same way.

For the rest of the day she kept asking but stopped short whenever she saw my nipple. She smelled at it, lingered at it, but seemed to hold back. Last night before she sleeps she cried and ended up sleeping on Najmi's shoulder. At 4 in the morning, she woked me up and asked for my shushu, but only to kiss it and hold it and cried.

I am crushed.

DAY 2.